1. Start a conversation. This is the best way to learn more about her. If you aren’t the social type, then you can stalk her on Facebook.
2. Buy her love. You can get her flowers. Or better yet, buy her chocolate. Chocolate is the key to a woman’s heart.
3. Wink at her. If she winks back, then that means she likes you. If she gives you a weird look, then say there was dirt in your eye.
4. Stay away from love triangles. You know the situation is going to be bad when geometry is involved.
5. Be the best you. If that’s not good enough, then be more like me. I attract girls like how a moldy sandwich attracts flies.
6. Make time to spend with her. If your schedule is too busy, then just bring her along to wherever you need to go. I’m sure she would love to be stuck in a basement full of sweaty nerds playing Super Smash Bros.
7. Talk about her interests. Hopefully you fall in that category.
8. Don’t be afraid of rejection. What do you have to lose? I have two answers: your dignity and that girl ever talking to you again. But don’t worry; there are plenty of fish in the sea. Sure, that doesn’t have anything to do with you, but at least the aquatic life is doing well.
9. Embrace feminism. Girls love guys who treat all genders equally. So if you manage to get a first date, then you should split the check.
10. Write her a poem. “Roses are red, violets are blue, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I like to state facts.”
11. Think before you speak. Don’t say something you’ll regret, like a stupid poem that doesn’t even rhyme.
12. Make her laugh. There are two good methods to accomplish this. Either tell her a joke or tickle her armpits. I’m not a funny person so I tend to go with the second option.
13. Don’t worry about what your friends think. It is better off that they don’t like her — less competition is better.
14. Get off your phone. Your phone isn’t going to kiss you. And if it does, can you tell me how to get that feature?
15. Take your time. There is no reason to rush the development of a relationship. Of course, you don’t want to take too long because you’re eventually going to die.
16. Compliment her. Let her know she smells nice. Actually, that might be creepy.
17. Lower your expectations. Most girls are not perfect like the Pretty Little Liars.
18. Reach out to her on special occasions. For example, wish her a happy birthday, Thanksgiving, and Leif Erikson Day — hinga dinga durgen.
19. Don’t play guessing games. Just like Barney the Dinosaur, clearly state the situation. Tell her how you feel, how you think she feels, and what your status as a couple is. Here’s an example, “I have a crush on you, you don’t know me, but I think we’re meant to be.” If this method can get millions of children to fall in love with a purple dinosaur, then it can get one girl to fall in love with you. The worst-case scenario is she thinks you’re crazy — but at least she knows who you are now.
20. Play Twister. It’s a good way to get close to her, but more importantly you can find out if she’s colorblind.
21. Honesty is the best policy. Let her know when she has food stuck in her teeth. There is a 2% chance she will ask you to help get the food out with your tongue.
22. Be confident. Look her in the eyes when you talk. That will prevent you from accidentally staring at her boobs.
23. Find out her current relationship status. If she is already taken, then a threesome may be your best option.
24. Wear a glove if you’re going to make love. You should probably wear a condom as well.
25. Don’t judge a book by its cover. It doesn’t matter if a girl has straight brown hair or curly blonde hair. Get to know the girl before you make any harsh judgments. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, girls with curly blonde hair are nasty.
26. Dedicate something to her. It will make her smile.
I would like to dedicate this column to my curly blonde hair girlfriend. Brenna, it’s a good thing these tips didn’t exist 4 years ago — I could have used them to date someone better than you…
…That is clearly a joke. No one is better than Brenna — except maybe the Pretty Little Liars.